You inspire me. I want to hold your hand.

Weird title. Good feeling. I shouldn't be embarrassed thats how I feel. But how will you react. My motives are good. I'm starting my book its long to write but when I look back its an interesting story I'm enjoying. Im in a new program now its intensive and a 6 month commitment which who knows what'll happen. I never do but for today I wont use and I called this place and got offered a job first one I tried. Damn things do fall into place. 3 of my brothers friends are here in Florida from New York, also doing this program it feels good to have familiarity. I call it family.

"Shh...dont tell dad"

Something I feel I've said a lot over the years to my mother, brothers, and myself. I don't want my dad to see this post, at least not anytime soon. I also don't want to ever use that phrase again. I love him so very much and miss his encouragement everyday! I don't want him to see this because I dont want him to feel obligated to call or talk to me at this point in our lives. I messed up and disappointed him, again. I know I've said I'll never use again,  only to relapse, and let my father down, again. I know my words don't mean much now. I am a product of my parents, who have tried to get me on the right path many times. Its my turn now to take a stand and show him what I can be. Who I really am! The strong daughter that takes after her father with determination. This is our journey and its a roller coaster the highs give you butterflies and the lows feel like death. Life is full of ups and downs but at least I'm deciding to get off the merry-go-round, the never ending cycle of addiction, and surrender to this fight.  One day he will be proud, one day we'll understand why all the ups and downs are in our lives. Until then this is our journey and I am trusting myself to work through this process and become his daughter, strong, loved, and loyal just like him!

Animals Run the Streets

"Living skills were reducded to the animal level. Our spirit was broken. The capacity to feel human was lost. This sounds extreme, but many of us have been in this state of mind."

I was reading my NA book and today came across this paragraph. This was exactly what I was trying to explain to Katina, my sponsor, about how I didnt feel human anymore on the run, how the way I was surviving no human would willingly put themselves in my spot. I did what I had to do only to survive. I was treated like the animal I turned into. Low class, piece of ass to the rich, only to gain more money, power, and pleasure. To the other vultures I was a fox sneaking up behind them to steal their spot, their gain, their loved prized possesions. Stealing the man they used to manipulate and used my beautiful smile to make them fall in love so I can strip them poor untill they cant take it no more. But what happenes when that pretty smile is no more? Or when you take advantage of the good in an evil spirted man? Revenge. Then the people who are on my level, who have been here before, or who ride next to me, we see the pain in each others deep eyes, never trusting when we turn out backs, keep them for extra body heat when the nights get cold, you gain I gain cause we are selfish creatures of the street, we have a common bond, survival and getting high. Every morning crack of dawn we must jump to our feet and find a new spot to trespass, or fade away untill we all fall down or can one of us be found?

I know you've been waiting.

Its been a while since I've been off everything, i went out again, detoxed from suboxen on the street, went to pills crack and needles. Its time for me to take a much too long awaited stand, a much needed change, I am doing this for the better of the world. This is my stand, this is my promise. . i don't have one yet. But i stand for your mother, father, friend, brother, sister, classmate. I stand for life. I stand for truth. I been on the streets, i can tell you money runs all evil. I destroy my physical and mental state for drug dealers and pimps to get rich so i can get my high and then ill die. Another life lost to the streets. . Its the sad truth. I have another chance and I must have a purpose to have been through all i have and not only being close to death at times but wanting to throw myself in front of the freight trains down here in South Florida. I saw another way in this beautiful fucked up world we live in there are always two choices, two sides to every story. I have a loving family who would miss me, as i miss them everyday and wish i could turn back the hands of time. Life is a lesson we all learn with age. Age comes wisdom, so I've heard.

1 year relapse & recovery

Its the first time i've been back on here in a while. Strange I looked at the last post i posted and it was one year ago from today. I have to say i learned a lot in the past year from recovery to relapse. I got high and i went low.  I havent been able to put togther 30 days in months and a few days ago i picked up my 30 day keytag. Im getting my life togther  today and i dont plan on giving it up again. My old sponcer Katina, who has serached for me and fought for me and put me in treatment and let me live with her over the past year just messaged me.

"I love you so much and I am so scared of loosing you

I think about you everyday and hope you are doing this this time around for all the right reasons because I feel that if you go out one more time I will never get to see you again

You have so much good in you, there is a certain inocence that you have that most of us loose in our addiction. you have a beautiful heart, a kind spirit, and you are bright beyond imagination."

 

My counslers and therapist also got me me when they'd ask me how i felt for my brother if he had to come to my funeral. If our best days are togther that would be the worst day. I'd cry and try to dtay clean for him. Today i do it for myself and he has helped me more then anyone. Hes never given up and i trust him. I was very selfish in my addiction not realizing all the pain i caused my family.

Butterflies

You know that feeling you get when the boy you like gives you butterflies? When you really want this person to like you but your just not sure, then they tell you they like you too and you can't help but smile. I felt that today, something I haven't truly felt in a long time and it reminded me of the way I should feel. Today my dad sent me a picture of the top of a mountain he hiked. I texted back that it was beautiful and he replied, "so are you". It made me smile and I even had butterflies.

Much Needed Progress

Today I've meet all my exchanges and followed my meal plan. I even had a snack of cottage cheese and pineapple even though I shouldn't have. That last sentence was ED talking. I'm good with a snack it was good for me and will hold me over until dinner at Renfrew at 6 p.m.. Tonight we have to eat a dessert and I can "lose my menu" and make my own to avoid it which is always the case and it goes unnoticed but today I'm going to challenge myself even though I would much rather avoid it. Anyway I think doing great for the past night and today has to do with my Dad coming here. He tried to understand me and even educate himself on my behaviors. I had a little bit of familiarity here in Florida. I used to say that the eating disorder is mine and it always will be, take away my drugs and ED is what I'm left with. It's mine and always will be, always has been. He's been with me everywhere and anywhere I go. He makes me fucking sick!!!!