Sunday, October 16, 2011
Punishment
Figuring out what and why I do and think the things I do is almost impossible. Does it even matter why? Im not sure but I know what matters is that I stop. All I do is hurt myself. I go back years and years and can almost pinpoint 10 years ago when I lied and everything went wrong. I hid myself and put myself in bad situations because I felt that is what I deserved. I caused so much damage to myself because I felt so bad. I was so mad, guilty and shameful that I punished myself for years until today. I realize my mistakes and I never want to go back there but I went there for a reason. And one day if I can help one person its all worth it to me. One day, one choice, can change your entire life. It's so quick how it happens until I spiraled out of control and now it's the biggest fight to get myself back to feeling like I did more then 10 years ago. I punished myself for so long and I don't deserve it anymore. Ever.
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you don't deserve it. I am glad you are able to realize that now. And I love when you wrote "I punished myself for so long and I don't deserve it anymore. Ever." That holds a lot of power and a lot of truth and love for yourself. I know it's hard to see that love, and a lot of times it doesn't seem like there IS love. But there is. It's been waiting for you to rediscover it. And now, as you are on this journey - you WILL find that person you were 10 years ago... and not just that person but a stronger, more courageous, brave, and beautiful person who has fought the battle of their life and not only survived - but THRIVED! And your story will help others who are looking for that self love. Keep fighting for recovery. Be gentle with yourself. And keep being honest because that is the only way to heal. Our secrets keep us sick. I have found that out in my own journey.
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