1 year relapse & recovery

Its the first time i've been back on here in a while. Strange I looked at the last post i posted and it was one year ago from today. I have to say i learned a lot in the past year from recovery to relapse. I got high and i went low.  I havent been able to put togther 30 days in months and a few days ago i picked up my 30 day keytag. Im getting my life togther  today and i dont plan on giving it up again. My old sponcer Katina, who has serached for me and fought for me and put me in treatment and let me live with her over the past year just messaged me.

"I love you so much and I am so scared of loosing you

I think about you everyday and hope you are doing this this time around for all the right reasons because I feel that if you go out one more time I will never get to see you again

You have so much good in you, there is a certain inocence that you have that most of us loose in our addiction. you have a beautiful heart, a kind spirit, and you are bright beyond imagination."

 

My counslers and therapist also got me me when they'd ask me how i felt for my brother if he had to come to my funeral. If our best days are togther that would be the worst day. I'd cry and try to dtay clean for him. Today i do it for myself and he has helped me more then anyone. Hes never given up and i trust him. I was very selfish in my addiction not realizing all the pain i caused my family.

Butterflies

You know that feeling you get when the boy you like gives you butterflies? When you really want this person to like you but your just not sure, then they tell you they like you too and you can't help but smile. I felt that today, something I haven't truly felt in a long time and it reminded me of the way I should feel. Today my dad sent me a picture of the top of a mountain he hiked. I texted back that it was beautiful and he replied, "so are you". It made me smile and I even had butterflies.

Much Needed Progress

Today I've meet all my exchanges and followed my meal plan. I even had a snack of cottage cheese and pineapple even though I shouldn't have. That last sentence was ED talking. I'm good with a snack it was good for me and will hold me over until dinner at Renfrew at 6 p.m.. Tonight we have to eat a dessert and I can "lose my menu" and make my own to avoid it which is always the case and it goes unnoticed but today I'm going to challenge myself even though I would much rather avoid it. Anyway I think doing great for the past night and today has to do with my Dad coming here. He tried to understand me and even educate himself on my behaviors. I had a little bit of familiarity here in Florida. I used to say that the eating disorder is mine and it always will be, take away my drugs and ED is what I'm left with. It's mine and always will be, always has been. He's been with me everywhere and anywhere I go. He makes me fucking sick!!!!

Education

Goodbyes are always so hard. I spent the last two days with my dad, who is on his way back to NY now. He saw where I was living and the people I'm surrounded by for support. He learned a lot. He learned a lot about me and I didn't try to hide anything. I spoke openly and honestly because I deserve to for my recovery.  My secret's keep me sick and everyday I have less and less of them and to my surprise people aren't as shocked as I expect them to be. Thats why I've been able to open up so much because the people around me are understanding and nonjudgemental. My dad came to Renfrew with me and listened intently and asked questions. I asked him what he learned and he told me that an eating disorder is a silent disease. He now understands that like drugs or alcohol an ED is not something you can get over in a day or a month, it is a long struggle but I can come out on top! He's really trying to understand which is awesome. He even ordered a salad for lunch yesterday, come to find out he was starving because he really wanted a cheeseburger, but didn't think he could order it with me there. It would have been fine if he did but it's so cute how he thought like that! Haha! I love him and respect him so much now that I am getting older and seeing how much he loves me and how much he's sacrificed to get me better. I listen to all the pain I caused him and my family. They were preparing themselves to bury me. Thank god I am here and my addictions did not make me permanently leave this earth and my beautiful complex family. I have a different relationship with each member of it and i couldn't love every single one anymore!!

Screwdriver

I had a dream. I had heroin and I wanted to use it. This kid was shoting it so I had to ask him for a clean needle, in his pile of needles. He searched through them and picked me out one. When I took a look at it, its point was think and shaped exactly like a screwdriver. I had to shoot it though so I made the kid dig into my vein with the screwdriver to get the dope into my body so I could feel, nothing.
I didn't care, anything to get my lovely poison into my bloodstream. My best friend I came to love and do anything for. The only thing I think about during my waking hours. The only reason to get out of bed. My love affair with the dope man. The only one who never fails me when I need him. My obsession. When I pull back the needle and see my blood rush in, I'm already high. I empty the contents into my arm and I am overcome with a warm rush. I can relax. I feel on top of the world. Nothing is wrong. Life is beautiful.
Then it fades away. He has left me again. But I know where to find you and i will do ANYTHING for you.

And the visious cycle begins. . .

My Red Tag

Only 30 days sober? Last time I used was 30 days ago, I'm no better then anybody else. We are all equal, what matters is what you do next. Do you keep using and lying? Or do you get up and keep fighting? I could have never told, I could have gotten away with it but who was I kidding? Only myself. So to Frankie & Eric nobody's perfect so don't try to be, don't beat yourself up, I love you for you. If you fail don't give up. It's about how you get to where you want to be, it's about how you handle struggle and obstacles in your life. Be honest. No matter what I will always love you for you.

"A thousand times I've failed, Still your mercy remains, And should I stumble again, Still I'm caught in your grace."
-Hillsong.

Punishment

Figuring out what and why I do and think the things I do is almost impossible. Does it even matter why? Im not sure but I know what matters is that I stop. All I do is hurt myself. I go back years and years and can almost pinpoint 10 years ago when I lied and everything went wrong. I hid myself and put myself in bad situations because I felt that is what I deserved. I caused so much damage to myself because I felt so bad. I was so mad, guilty and shameful that I punished myself for years until today. I realize my mistakes and I never want to go back there but I went there for a reason. And one day if I can help one person its all worth it to me. One day, one choice, can change your entire life. It's so quick how it happens until I spiraled out of control and now it's the biggest fight to get myself back to feeling like I did more then 10 years ago. I punished myself for so long and I don't deserve it anymore. Ever.

Dear God

Take this away from me. Just take it all out of me. Let it slip out through my fingertips so I can feel alive again. Keep the devils voice out of my head. I dont want to listen to a word he says. I don't want to hear his lies anymore. Please help me. Please guide me.

Last night a great woman, who I admire talked to me about her horrible eating disorder and I could feel the pain she had in her eyes like she knew the pain I am going through. It hurt but it's so real. Its so real. She told me not to expect it to change overnight it takes time and work. But she's been listening to her body and feels free. She still has her struggles but she says with god its much easier. People dont know how hard it is to deal with drug addiction and an eating disorder its havoc. I am so thankful for this woman I spoke to. She gave me hope and strength today.

Ex Ed.

Ed's all in my head but he talks to me so strong and I've listened to him all along. Everyday he effects my mood and tells me I can only eat certain food. If I eat I'll be fat like a pig and I am already much too big. He makes me feel weak, he's all in my mind and his words are never kind. People like me inside and out, but then I hear Ed shout. Ed was my best friend for years, he hid me from all my fears. Now it's time to face the world alone, cause with him I can never be on my own. Ed needs to be put to bed because if I stay with him he'll strike me dead.

Feeling Feeling's

The past 5 years I've been numb and I didn't even know. I used my eating disorder as a coping tool which in return made me numb which led to my drug use. Im done with the drugs but now my other coping mechanism is leaving me too. I never thought I'd get rid of the two things that made me feel good but shitty at the same time. Now that I'm working on my eating disorder I can feel emotions, weird huh? Things I'd usually ignore cant be ignored I can feel the consequence's of things. I can feel anger and anxiety and these emotions aren't that plesant. They are very overwhelming and it makes me wonder if I do want to give ED up. I do but now my question is how do I handle these overwhemling feelings in a positive way?

My Best Friend

He's always been there for me, not as long as I lived only because he was born after me. He was annoying and a tattletale but now he's my best friend. He listens to me and lets me talk. When I run into struggle I let him know and he gets me through it, to a good day. He pushes me to do my best and lets me know I can do anything. He's pushed me to work and go to school. When I graduated he took me out for sushi. He has watched his older sister struggle and hes always been more aware than anyone and I am so lucky he is my brother. Thanks Eric. I am so proud of him. He has strength and courage to do what he can for not only himself but others to. Even though I'm older I look up to him.
'
I wrote this October 1, 2011
Eric liked it so ill post it for him to read again like he asked me to yesterday

Meaning & Purpose
                                 I've struggled for a long time. I mean I had a home but instead I ran away, used drugs and was in and out of plenty of schools and group homes. This life was exciting, I was always on the run, outsmarting everyone untill over time I lost my family and had no choice but to lay my head in a comfortable bed or have a safe spot to call home. I had to always be up and on my toes. Turn your back once and everything you have is gone along with the people. I became sick and tired and too young to feel so old. Every time I go on another run things get worse then the time before. Things I said I'd never do, became things easily done. I am not the same person I used to be. I am getting stronger and older.  I've made mistakes, done things against myself and others. I've always had a reckless heart but a good soul. My meaning and purpose is to help others, to relate to people because my past has given me understanding. I do not want to be hateful and angry anymore. I want to be thankful and strong.

Honesty

As hard as it is for me, I know that I have to be honest. The only person I hurt is myself and the only way for me to get better is to let the truth be known. I need the extra tons of weight I've carried for so long to burn off of me because I dont know how much longer I can hold it. I didn't realize all of it because of how far I stuffed it. Today im trying to find faith in god. That sounds soo crazy coming from me!! I am such a different person and still have mega changes to make. Donagh told me to write all the things that I am ashamed of on a piece of paper and later we will burn it and she will pray for me. I've written a few things that I dont think I am ready to share so publically yet.

Realization

Therapy never worked for me but this time I'm being honest. I am currently fighting an eating disorder. I've always wanted to write a book, I used to want to start with my drug addiction and thats what it would of been about because I was too ashamed of myself to go back further into myself untill a few days ago I realized it's okay when I opened up to a few others about my disease. So I started over. Starting with my abusive ex-boyfriend, then my eating disorder then came my drug addiction. Then today I told Casey something else I have always been ashamed of. I was tortured and bullied in high school to the point where I wasn't even learning anymore, I was avoiding everybody until I decided to not go anymore. All these things lead up to my drug addiction but the drugs weren't my problem. The problem is all the things I never dealt with because of the shame I feel. So thats where my story starts. Im sure I can go even further back and pick out more guilt and shame but I will get there. For now im realizing how much shame I hold and that it is okay. It really is okay. I just want to get better!